Shut the "!*#@" up!
And listen. It is the most valuable skill.
As an introvert, listening was my super power. I say 'was’ since I no longer think it is. I am not sure if I’ve become a tad bit less shy during the pandemic having had to only speak to people and colleagues virtually, or if I’ve just grown as a person, a colleague, a leader and gotten more comfortable in my skin. Regardless, I feel listening is no longer a strength of mine.
”Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply." - Stephen R. Covey
I find myself guilty of this more and more with every passing day - at work with my team, peers, leadership, and at home with my family.
Hybrid ways of working have only made it all the more difficult. Listening is seldom taught. So I set out to do some reading, research and reflection on what is arguably the most valuable skill. Here’s what I found out.
Why Listen when you can Talk?
How often do you find yourself trying really hard to convey a message to a colleague, a friend, a room full of people, a senior leader, or even a group of like minded people in your study group or your band? How often do you feel people just aren’t listening, are preoccupied, distracted, or talking over each other trying to prove a point? Have you come out of a conversation or meeting thinking “what was the point of that!”? How did these situations make you feel?
You should listen when you can talk, since that is what you would want when you talk.
You are more likely to learn something you didn’t know.
Listening makes it a ‘conversation’. You stand a far better chance of building trust, the bedrock of all relationships.
The lesser you speak, the more likely you will be listened to when you do.
You run a lower risk of saying something you shouldn’t have and may regret.
Listening = receiving. Talking = giving. More often than not, you benefit from the former. It can also be fun!
"Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you'd have preferred to talk." - Doug Larson
What does good Listening look like?
Good listening is when the listener fully understands what is being communicated, and the person communicating feels like he, she or they are being listened to. It’s that simple although not necessarily that easy!
Good listening is much more than listening without distraction, without interruption, being present, taking notes and being able to playback what was said.
Good listening is an active ‘two-way’ dialogue. It includes constructive questions, comments and visual signs that help with further discovery.
Good listening is being comfortable with silence, not giving into the urge of filling it with words.
Good listening makes it a positive and psychologically safe experience for those trying to communicate.
Good listening includes the right blend of coaching and mentoring.
Good listening is co-operating and collaborating, not competing.
In their article titled What Great Listeners Actually Do for Harvard Business Review, Jack Zenger and Joseph Folkman think of a skilled listener as a ‘trampoline who amplifies and supports a speaker’s thoughts by providing constructive feedback’ as opposed to a ‘ sponge absorbing everything but providing little feedback’. They say the highest and best form of listening comes in playing the same role for the other person that a trampoline plays for a child. It gives energy, acceleration, height and amplification.
How does one get better at Listening?
Listening starts with actually caring about what other people have to say. We often tend to listen, either intentionally or unintentionally, with a view to judge or not be judged. Only occasionally do we listen to genuinely understand, explore, offer support and learn.
Listening is both a cognitive and behavioural process. It isn’t easy to process information we receive, put in in context and make sense of it whilst not letting emotions or distractions get in the way. Listening requires creating time and space. It requires focus and discipline, ideally with help from someone who points out your strengths, weaknesses and habits from time to time.
As your role grows in size, scale and/or level of influence, your ability to listen only becomes all the more harder.
"You cannot truly listen to anyone and do anything else at the same time." - M. Scott Peck
A few tips I have come across follow.
A level of orientation before conversations helps so you go in with the right intent. Be open to having your mind changed.
Remove all distractions or signpost something that is likely to get in the way.
Pay attention to what is being said, why and how. Listen with your eyes and your ears.
Ask open-ended questions and regularly offer verbal and non-verbal feedback.
Use your head and your heart.
After a conversation, reflect on what may have been missed opportunities, moments where you may have misread a few signs or could have asked a few more or different questions. On the contrary, when you feel you were an excellent listener, consider how things went down, and how you can apply this type of listening in more challenging circumstances.
So I am now asking myself to remove all distractions, shut the !*#@ up, stop talking, start listening, say “I don’t know” and “what do you think?” a lot more in hope that I will reclaim what I think was one of my strengths.
In an age of rapid technological change, listening continues to be a vital and probably the most valuable skill, a skill that is timeless.
Listen to yourself. Listen to others. But don’t listen to yourself when you are listening to others.
Listen to what’s being said. Listen to what’s not being said.
Getting good at listening is a lifetime endeavour and requires persistence.
”The art of conversation lies in listening." - Malcom Forbes